Recovering: My Journey

By Koda Carlson

The thought of relapsing terrifies me to the core. Relapsing into a bad pattern I desperately fought so hard to break.

I had a discussion with my dear friend not too long ago, we were talking about our bodies.

I mentioned how much weight I wanted to lose.

I scared her.

To me, the number wasn’t that big of a deal, but she sat there and reminded me that what it says on the scale doesn’t matter. She reminded me to fuel my body with things I love and things that are good for me. I’ve almost forgotten how to do that. If I’m being honest, I’m not sure I’ll ever have a good relationship with food again. Having an eating disorder messes with your mind and is harsh mentally and physically. It takes a lot to overcome your demons. But that doesn’t mean I’m not going to try.

I’ve decided to go vegan. Something I’ve always wanted to do. I’ve been a pescatarian for 3 years now and just had my first full vegan week. I wanted to do this because I know it is the best way to cleanse my mind, soul, and body. I’m not doing this to lose weight, but simply because what a vegan eats is something that fuels my body and that I enjoy (also, I want to contribute the best I can with saving the planet. Did you know how much water it takes to produce beef? That’s a story for another time. Plus, I adore animals.) I don’t like dairy, and I don’t like the way it makes me feel. So why should I eat it? Going vegan has already proved beneficial for me personally. It is not for everyone, but I’ve never had such a good, fulfilling week full of good food without thinking about my weight in a while.

People don’t realize how much strength it takes to overcome an ED. It’s a progress that doesn’t happen overnight. The other night, I was scrolling through TikTok, (listen, it’s a very additive app) and I came across all these “recovery” videos. It showed people with their own struggles and then how far they’ve come. It was incredibly inspiring.  I defeated my own demons back in the summer of 2016, but that doesn’t mean I don’t struggle with the thoughts of my body or the way I look. I still have moments of deep self-doubt, but this time I know that it’s okay. That I don’t deserve to go down that path ever again. I don’t want to put my physical and mental health in that negative atmosphere again. Relapsing doesn’t make you weak, and you’re not alone.